07 Too Much Time with Myself | John

07 Too Much Time with Myself | John, Acrylic on Chipboard, 44 x 55”h, (c) Heidi Jeub

We met in person, over coffee and pastry. John is an ever smiling ray of sunshine, on a beautiful fall day. A mask covered his contagious smile, until we started drinking our coffee and eating our pastries. It’s nice to see him, as always.

COVID provided “too much alone time with myself,” John said, as he looked off into space to reflect on what to say next. It was in good humor, but an hour or so later, I think we came to terms with what that meant. 

When speaking of spirituality, we agree that we both live for metaphors, so we don’t often understand how religion, especially, can get stuck in black and white. Our conversation was about those we love... the black sheep in the family, and how hard it is when the wool is colored based on politics. We want to talk about it, but don’t really know how, because we don’t want to unlove someone based on the electoral college, ever-shifting doctrine, or misunderstood hashtags. 

We really should be conversing about these things, because it isn’t about being right, but rather, it’s about being heard. Loving your neighbor is hard, when you are uncertain if you love yourself. 

“We all have a dark side,” he said, as the conversation went from light to serious. 

Learning about systemic racism was something he had time to research. As they say, a wise man knows that he knows nothing at all. John knew little about the amount of racism that was in the cracks of Minnesota life, and this time alone was an opportunity to look deeply into the dark parts of our communities, local, regional and national. Racism isn’t an individual trait, nor a ‘southern thing.’ You don’t see the red line, unless you take time to look at the financials, read what’s being said… or even more important… what is not being said. That’s where you’ll find it.

So seldom do we sit and chat and really know each other. I think this is the first time we ever pushed past the small town courtesies of just knowing enough … Never really going into beliefs, sticking with assumptions. I had a hunch of where he stood, but why am I always concerned my heart will be broken by the turn of the conversation? 

Because I would miss his contagious smile.